Swipe Right
While contemplating this chapter, I struggle with what to write about dating. I am very clear on what I did NOT want to write.
First, I thought I would write a post about 10 things about being single that rock and 10 things that suck. Instead, I will just give you the highlights in each category.
The best thing about being single? Being able to do joyfully whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. Having sole control over the remote, the thermostat, the food in the house, and the bed. Knowing that your happiness perches solely on your own shoulders.
The worst thing about being single? Having your mom as your emergency contact. When it’s 11 pm, you are already in your PJs with your bra off and fuzzy socks on, and the garbage needs to go out. Weddings without a “plus one”. Traveling with your brother (rocks), but having people address you as Mr. and Mrs. Higgins (suuuuuuucks).
Then, I thought I might write about the potential partner questionnaire I have in my head. (Who am I kidding? I printed it on stationery, ready to hand out.) Here is a highlight of some of the most important points based on repeat historical issues. This isn’t a complete list.
Do you lie? Be dishonest by omission? Do you avoid the truth? (Clearly a pattern.) Have you declared bankruptcy? Do you pay your taxes? How many children do you have and who are their mothers? Are you a narcissist? A sociopath? A psychopath? Are telling me you’re divorced, but really you’re married? Are you in love with another woman, correction- women? Do you ogle females? Are your finances together? Are you an alcoholic? Addicted to anything else? Are you deceitful? (Sorry, said that.)
Here’s the twist. A recent Ah-Ha moment is that this isn’t only a list of what to seek in a partner. This is a list of ways we ourselves need to improve. Are YOU what you want on your list? Do YOU always tell the truth? Are YOUR finances together? Are YOU addicted? I’ve learned that we all have our faults and cultivating self-awareness is paramount. BE what you are seeking.
I thought I might write a post about my crush on Martin Ginsburg. (Sorry, RBG, I am in love with your late husband.)
Martin Ginsburg was respectful, honest, supportive, never condescending, loving, and full of integrity. He was confident in himself, so Ruth’s successes never made him feel like less of a person. Instead of being intimidated, he was undyingly supportive. Justice Ginsburg described her husband as “the only young man I dated who cared that I had a brain.”
The Ginsburgs epitomized a relationship of support. Ruth was a terrible cook, so Martin learned and became an exceptional chef. Martin was diagnosed with cancer while he and Ruth both attended Harvard Law School. RBG went to his classes (as well as her own) so that he wouldn’t fall behind.
This may seem like an immense ask, but it is definitely not. These are pretty basic moral attributes and ones that I try to embrace for my partners. When I had an online dating profile, my tag line was “Waiting for my Martin”.
Speaking of online dating…
I thought I would write about the craziness you see in men’s profiles. I capture screenshot after screenshot that illustrates what one should NOT do. There are toilets in the background of full length pictures, a plethora of sad, dead animals in a hunter’s photo, and before and after brain surgery images. (Really.) While this entertains and appalls my friends for a full week, ultimately I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to make fun of others who are simply looking for love. (No matter how easy they made it.) It feels unkind. Dating is rough. We are all doing the best we can.
I will, however, give you a compilation of the most cliche statements from male profiles.
“I am a fun-loving, loyal, family man who is considered a trusted friend, but is fluent in sarcasm. As a life-long learner, I am comfortable in my own skin. I love the beach, anything outdoors, traveling, cuddling, and kissing. I have gone to the school of hard knocks. Looking for my partner in crime, I am honest to a fault, with no skeletons in my closet. You can dress me up or dress me down. I am as happy to be out on the town as snuggling on the couch with the right woman. My current favorite book is Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Go Eagles.”
I will also give you one instance of a message that will get a man deleted: “Your hot.” Reason number one: content. Reason number two: SPELLCHECK.
I follow a predictable cycle.
Full of hope, I join a dating site. I am active for a month or two, really trying. I go out with a bunch of men. Having become exhausted from the tiresome process and inane dates, I cancel the membership. I spend some blissful time alone, thoroughly recuperating from the dating experience. After months turn to years, I rekindle hope. I start again at the beginning.
I thought about writing a post about the nutty stories that I have collected from 13 years of post-divorce dating. But, I am weary of being the woman with the surprising or crazy or unbelievable dating anecdotes. Those tales are an intriguing peek at the human psyche. But, I believe that what you get back reflects what you put out. Maybe my re-telling of the quirky drama is conjuring more of the same. So, as entertaining as that is, I am done with that.
In the end, I settle on a chapter primarily about what makes me grateful in this odd world of courtship. I want to be vulnerable and show an honest and positive view of what dating is for me. All the above experiences are portions of dating. But, gratefulness is too.
I am grateful for meeting new, interesting people, even when they aren’t MY “person”. I enjoy learning about other career paths, like engineers, entrepreneurs, and dragon boat racers. It is interesting to learn about other hobbies, like gaming, motorcycle racing, or touring craft breweries.
I like hearing THEIR funny dating stories, and how women can also be sooooooo weird. Because I am fascinated by what dating looks like from the male perspective, my dates have been pretty forthcoming and hysterical.
I find it refreshing to explore new neighborhoods and new restaurants. Dinner in an up-and-coming section of town allows for some spectacular food that I wouldn’t normally experience.
I like having a reason to put some effort into an outfit. While wearing scrubs every day is pure heaven for comfort, it is pretty dull and repetitive for fashion. Scrolling Pinterest for a fashionable outfit gives me pleasure.
I crave new, interesting information. One man knows the Latin words for every single plant that we see at Longwood Gardens. I find that delightful. I also learn (finally) what poison ivy looks like. Another date introduces me to Google Lens, which identifies objects in a photo and I now use constantly.
It’s nice to have help with things involving manual labor. I become acquainted with one date in the parking lot of a home improvement store. He offers to use his SUV to help me transport a wheelbarrow that I am struggling to squeeze into my car.
You see everyone’s travel pictures-Machu Pichu, Hawaii, Thailand, Japan, safaris. It is alluring to see where people have traveled, hear their stories, and get ideas for my next adventure.
It is nice when the man suggests that you pick the date. You can choose something you want to do, yet didn’t really want to do alone.
While I love my single life more than ever, I have hope that one of these men will eventually be my person. Putting myself “out there” won’t always be in the form of a dating site but as a mindset of availability and openness. I hope to be rewarded for expending the energy. I believe that I will meet the person who loves and understands me on a new level and will become my long-term, equal life partner.
Dating is like looking for a needle in a haystack by spending a couple of hours with each individual hay piece. As an introvert and an empath, this is exhausting. But, it is also lovely. I choose to focus on the positives of exploring all of these brilliantly unique pieces of hay.
Yee haw.
16 Comments
Andy Higgins
Maria!
I read your blogs with the same vigor as when a new Stephen King weekly novel pops up. I’ve missed “seeing” your voice in my inbox.
Ann and I did meet online, and recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary…sometimes it does work via technology.
Keep them coming, and I’ll pause doing whatever was occupying my time to immediately catch up with your story.
Be well, and much love to you!
Andy Higgins, no relation, same name.
marhiggins
Oh my gosh, Andy!! Thank you for reading!! My goodness, am I honored and humbled. That makes me so happy to know! You and Ann are one of the great couples I know, with such a contented air about you both. So loving, so supportive. You give me hope!
Love back to you too, my “brother”. 🙂
Michaelyn
Oh my goodness Maria, you hit the nail on the head. Your story could be my own. Dating at this middle age time of life is well, exhausting and exhilarating all rolled up in one. I too wrestle with the love of my life as a single yet miss someone to share life with. I’m so glad I’m not alone in my take on online dating either. Lol. It’s funny I pray to Nana to send me someone Pap would approve of….
wish you and your family well. Miss you all!
marhiggins
Thanks so much for reading, Michaelyn! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! So good to know we are not alone. xoxo
Bridget
Maria this is a wonderful blog and I relate to it so well!! Now that I am sending my daughters to college, I cringe at the fact that I must go back to these dating sites. I’ll be thinking of you. My hope is you find someone amazing, because you have always been one of the most awesome women I’ve ever met.
Best wishes in your dating adventures.
Bridge
marhiggins
Bridget!! Thank you so much for reading. You are one of the best consequences of one of my dating stories!! You are such an amazingly pure and beautiful woman. I can’t believe the twins are going off to college. It’s been that long? Good luck to you in the new phase of your life! If you are ever in Philadelphia, let’s get together!
Richard Griffin
Maria – you are an amazing writer and conveyer of truths. Thanks for sharing so much about all your experiences including this one on dating! You are truly missed here in Frederick! Come see us sometime. Richard and Lynne !
marhiggins
Thank you, Richard! It makes my heart warm to know you read them! I enjoy your posts about your summer adventures with the boys. I miss Frederick so much, and it will always have a carved out place in my heart.
Dale C Hitchcock
Hi Maria, I too have missed your blogs and was just wondering a day or two ago when we would see another one. The thoughtfulness and and honesty in your writing are always welcome and refreshing.
-Dale
marhiggins
Thank you for your kind words, Dale. This post took its time being born. It was soul-cleansing, a bit painful, but helpful for me to work through it all on paper. Aren’t you glad you found your person? xoxo to you both!
Doug Zaruba
Hey Maria! I miss seeing you in Frederick, although I closed my gallery and moved to Hagerstown two years ago. As someone who tried to do the online dating thing, I could totally relate to your stories! Women don’t post pictures of dead animals that they have killed (thankfully, but not always), but I do get some very strange responses. When I say that I’m looking for a friend (first) that loves the outdoors, wilderness camping, and canoeing…I get ” I love being outdoors in the park with my grandkids,” or “Looking for a LTR with my soulmate who loves golf”…WTF? I’m looking to meet a serious painter to talk about art…”I love flea markets!”
Maybe there’s something in the water here that is worse than the problem s in Flint, Michigan. Maybe we spend too much time texting or watching “Game of Thrones.” Too many people seem to give up after 55, want to relax and revisit their “glory days.” My life has been a wild ride and I never intend to quit! “Better to burn out than to rust…”
I hope to see you again someday. We never had the chance to talk about anything outside of optometry. I had no idea who you really were.
marhiggins
Thank you for reading, Doug! We seem to have had similar paths! Yes, it is tough and entertaining to be looking for that special someone at our age. Funny stories! Cheers to our paths crossing again.
Erika Morrow
I love reading your blog posts! You are such a great writer. I love how you changed your outlook. My thoughts are so powerful and I tend to dwell on the negative but when I readjust, it is always rewarding.
When I was younger, I saw myself single forever. I loved my independence, I am a selfish person, not much of a sharer, and I am very particular. I had a roommate for 6 months in my twenties and it was soooo hard. I said, “nope, I cannot live with anyone.” BUT.. when I least expected it, I found my now husband out at a bar. He came from a speed dating event and I was there doing my Friday night routine at my favorite dive bar. He is probably the single best thing that has EVER happened to me.
Stay positive, our thoughts are so powerful!
marhiggins
Thank you so much for reading, Erica! And thanks for telling your love story. That makes my heart warm. Yay love!! Looks like the business is coming along nicely. Been watching the progress!
Gail Cassidy
Maria!! I agree with all of the above!! I, too, missed your blogs! Yours is the only one I follow. Your writing is great; your messages are memorable, and your attitude shines through them all. I was wondering how you were going to handle this topic–PERFECTLY is how you did it!
Did you ever consider a different slant, one where you choose someone to interview, preferably those who are in the same boat you are in–such as males who are on “other career paths, like engineers, entrepreneurs, dragon boat racers, who have other hobbies, like gaming, motorcycle racing, or touring craft breweries,” people whose stories you want to share.
That’s your angle, and that gives you the opportunity to pick and choose someone you’d like to get to know better. Compile a few of the interview highlights and write a supplemental blog each month. Who knows??????
I enjoy the monthly interviews we do, but circumstances are not comparable.
Glad you’re back!!
marhiggins
You are wonderful, Gail. Thank you for your uplifting comments. And your excellent idea!!!!! I am taking that to heart.
You always have such thoughtful ideas that help me move to the next level. I never forget that you taught me how to self-publish.
I just read your download on raising children and off-setting bullying. Such excellent advice!! And so concise and easy to follow. I passed it onto my family. For anyone else who is interested, https://www.cassidycourses.com/. Check it out!