Happy Birthday, Mike!

In my car, I keep a book called If, which is a compilation of moral questions to incite conversation. I like to use it on road trips. One question is: “If you accidentally killed someone and were forced to conceal it, who would you call?” My answer without deliberation or hesitation is “Mike.”

That warrants a follow-up question. WHY would I choose my brother-in-law, Mike? Mentally, I consider my family members in the style of Goldilocks.

Erin is too squeamish. Once, she wanted me to test her blood sugar with my glucometer. It involves a spring-loaded lancet that gently punctures your finger, producing a tiny drop of blood. Usually, you can’t even feel it. Mike restrained Erin, holding her down while I got a blood sample. Too queasy.

Sean is too far away. Los Angeles to Philadelphia is a long plane ride and I would need immediate help. Too distant.

My Mom is too wrought with morality. She would cry over the body. She would wonder if he or she went to heaven. Dee would ask what the family situation was, and if she could make the family a lasagne to comfort them. Too emotional.

My Dad is too meticulous (for my taste) and would reflect on what to do with the body. Like Bert deliberating on how best to open his present from Ernie, my Dad ponders. It takes more time than I have patience. (This is my flaw, not his.) His plan is always better laid-out than mine. But, in this situation, I would need quick decision-making. Too fastidious.

Mike would handle it.

Just right.

Here are the reasons that I choose Mike if I have to cover up an accidental death.

1. He drives a pickup truck and he would let me use it. Mike and his truck helps our family in many ways. They deliver firewood. They plow many snowy driveways. A few years ago, Mike and his truck hauled reclaimed doors for my new optometry practice 150 miles away. Recently, I called him when buying a mattress and asked if he would help me get it home. Mike offered to pick it up the same day, squeezing my task in between his errands, with his two-year-old, Cora, in tow.

2. He keeps secrets and doesn’t overshare. Mike never talks much about himself. He asks how you are, and what’s happening in your world. When the question is reversed and he’s asked about himself, he gives you a brief answer and turns the conversation back to you.

3. Mike rarely talks about other people. While I try not to, I do gossip sometimes. I’m not proud of this. It’s NOT a good idea to tell ME you killed someone. Tell Mike. He won’t tell anyone.

4. Mike has killer ax-throwing skills, as he proved one recent Saturday night executing this novel group activity. Handy.

5. In his job as president of a construction company, he learned to calm people. He conjures alternative options for upset clients who might have a different idea about the speed of construction. Mike soothes contractors who are overcome with picky customer emotions. Overall, he assures that everyone gets paid. Mike is the ultimate diplomat and negotiator.

6. He runs a construction business. He has access to cement, deep holes, and tools. Whether I need a shovel, or a hacksaw, or a tarp, Mike has it. He has a few varied options.

7. Mike separates logic from feelings. Pragmatic to the core, he presents practical options. Once, I thought I conquered my spotty lawn woes. I was excited to plant my entire yard with chives, as it was the only greenery that grew. I present my brilliantly-adaptive idea and Mike points out that when I would cut the “grass”, my shoes and dog and then house would smell like onions.

8. He is astute. Mike knows unexpected things. When I ask him a question about renovating my house, I think I (kind of) know the answer. He highlights many legit steps that I overlooked and are imperative to complete before tackling the project.

9. Hank is Mike’s dog. Hank pulls heavy things. He is super strong, like a small 130-pound horse.

10. Mike could use his dancing skills as a distraction should I need one. On one family vacation to the beach, it rained the entire week. Cora was stir-crazy. Mike took her out on the balcony, which parallels the great room, is lined with windows, and runs the length of the house. Mike took Cora’s hands and danced back and forth on that balcony. Secretly, I videotaped him and afterward, made a compilation video with Paul Simon’s Father Daughter as the soundtrack. “As long as one and one is two, there could never be a father who loved his daughter more than I love you.”

11. When asked to help, Mike never dodges and readily offers his services. At the end of my recent move, I had decision exhaustion. My next task was to secure the TV to the wall so my niece couldn’t topple it. My overtired mind couldn’t comprehend how to work the straps and wall anchors. I asked Mike if he could take over. Without hesitating, he jumped up, got his tools out of his truck, and secured the television.

12. He has access to the sea with his boat. If I need to escape and live on the ocean, he knows how to make that happen.

13. He knows how to use covert surveillance. I was buying a house. I ask Mike to look at it with me. He notices unexplained water in the basement. Days later, during a particularly torrential rainstorm, Mike remembers this water quandary and drives by the house in question. He slyly takes a video of the river of water streaming out of my potential backyard, narrowly passing the basement entrance, and flowing into the street. 

14. Sometimes, he knows what you need before you ask. Mike shows up at my home inspection without me asking him, to show his support. He stays only a brief time- just long enough to make the home inspector aware that I had a knowledgeable back-up.

15. Mike knows how to handle Higgins women. Once, he jokingly called my mom a “crazy bat”, because she was being a crazy bat. He gently tells Erin “enough” only when she has ruminated long enough and it helps her to stop. When Cora is throwing a tantrum, he calmly says “That is not how we act.” I know he would call me out on any erratic or irrational behavior, which might be necessary during this emotional ordeal.

16. He has six siblings, most of whom work for the family construction business. There would be lots of help with the cover-up, should I need it.

17. Mike has cash. And he will give it to you. For one of my dates with Cora, I realize I forgot my wallet when I arrive at their house. Sheepishly, I ask Mike if he has any cash. He did and gives me everything in his pockets.

Mike is my choice, hands down. He is my second brother. He has integrated into our family, and he has accepted us into his. We treat each other’s relatives as our own. 

In 2017, I moved to West Chester, closer to my (and Mike’s West-Chester-famous) family. I grew weary of clarifying that the Hazley’s are my sister’s husband’s family and shortened the explanation to “They’re my in-laws.” With Mike, my family gains an amazing brother and son and a true-hearted person who is earnest in his willingness to help. He is happy-go-lucky and positive in his outlook. Mike deems that absolutely anything is possible, in construction or otherwise. He is an extrovert who genuinely loves socializing with other people. I am tempted to say we love him “like” a brother or a son. In truth, we love him unwaveringly as one of our own. There is no “like.”